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 Iowa Jokes



An Iowa fan, an Iowa State fan, and an UNI fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most. The UNI fan insists that he is the most loyal. ''This is for UNI!'' he yells, and jumps off the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Iowa fan is next to profess his love for his… team. He yells, "This is for the Hawkeyes!" and pushes the Iowa State fan off the mountain. 

Dan McCarney, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven,
God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a
faded Cyclones flag in the window.

"This house is yours for eternity, Dan," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

Dan felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a Black and Gold sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Hawkeye flag, and in every window, a Hawkeye symbol.

Dan looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but
I have a question. I was a good coach, I went to three consecutive
bowl games, and I turned around Iowa State's entire program."

God said "So what do you want to know, Dan?"

"Well, why does Kirk Ferentz get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "Dan, that's not Kirk's house, it's mine."

 Jeff Foxworthy on Iowa
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Iowa.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because it's the coldest or hottest spot in the nation, you might live in Iowa.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Iowa.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Iowa.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, & they don't work there, you might live in Iowa.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Iowa.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Iowa.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Iowa.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Iowa.


YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Iowan WHEN:
1.    "Vacation" means going east or west on I-80 for the weekend... or going to Adventureland.
2.    You measure distance in hours.
3.    You know several people who have hit a deer - more than once.
4.    You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day... and back again.
5.    You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
6.    You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7.    You see people wear bib overalls to funerals.
8.    You carry jumper cables in your car... and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
9.    You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10.   Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
11.   You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, road construction & DAMN HOT!
12.   Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
13.   You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
14.   Down South to you means Missouri.
15.   East to you means Illinois.
16.   A brat is something you eat.
17.   Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
18.   You go out to a tail gate party every Saturday.
19.   Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors because your fire works melted.
20.   You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21.   You find -20 degrees F "a little chilly."
22.   You've never met any celebrities.
23.   Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
24.   You've seen all the biggest bands... ten years after they were popular.
25.   Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
26.   Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
27.   You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
28.   You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
29.   You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
30.   Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
31.   You install security lights on your house and garage - and leave both unlocked.
32.   You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
33.   You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition.  Example: "Where's my coat at?"
34.   All festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.
35.   You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, Mt. Dew, and Jell-O with marshmallows.
36.   You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" is.
37.   You own only three spices:  salt, pepper, and ketchup.
38.   You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
39.   You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
40.   The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
41.   You think deer season is a national holiday.

42.   You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Iowa friends.
You Might Be From A Small Town If...

You can name everyone you graduated with.

You know what 4-H is.

You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a
dirt road.

Your idea of a FUN weekend was riding around parking lots because that was where EVERYBODY went.

Your idea of an EXCITING weekend was watching a fight in the parking lot.

You swore at someone and your parents knew within the hour.

You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.

School gets canceled for city, county, or state events.

You were ever in the Homecoming parade.

You have ever gone home for Homecoming.

Everyone thought it was really cool to date someone from the
neighboring town.

You had senior skip day.

The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

You don't give directions by street names, but something more like,
"Turn right by Nelson's house, go two blocks east past Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field."

The country club golf course had only 9 holes. (Or there wasn't even one.)

You can't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich
people".

The people in the city dress funny, then your town picks up on the
trend a few years later.

You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday.

Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the Feed Store.

You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.

The football coach suggested that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.

Directions are given using "the" stoplight as a reference.

The city council meets at the coffee shop.

Your "letter jacket" was worn after your 19th birthday.

You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.

Your teachers call you by your older siblings' names.

Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.

The closest Taco Bell or Burger King is at least 30 miles away.
So is the closest shopping mall.

It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn
mower.

You laugh your butt off reading this because you know they're all
true.

To be issued by the Iowa Tourism Bureau to ALL visitors:


1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Jonesy's. It's a
diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day.  Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Greeley, Strawberry
Point, Cresco, etc.) or we will have to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Here it's called
"pop". Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass-kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense.  You have to make a living
here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass strawberries and our Five
Seasons trees made out of metal. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. And in Cedar Rapids don't point at the genitalia on Frank and laugh or we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how cold it  gets here in the winter, so
shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone
will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well-done like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't try to fake an Iowa accent.  We don't have an accent. Do NOT mention the movie "Field of Dreams" because that will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and Minneapolis and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Interstate 80 is ready when you are.  Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Don't complain that Iowa is flat and that all you can see is corn and hogs.  If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your ass all the way back to Milwaukee.

12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little grey-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in a
corn field? That's because we have enough sense to not live in
filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.

14) Writing it "Ioway City, Home of the Hogeyes" is NOT a joke.
Your ass will be kicked.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us
how Iowa should "go back to the Indians."  This will get your ass shot right after it gets kicked. Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.


Now enjoy your visit and then go home.

   
Iowa Tourism Council Bulletin: This list of rules will be handed to each person as they enter the state.



1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you'll do all week at the gym. How'd you like to go home and tell your momma you got your butt kicked by a big guy in bib overalls?

2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked...by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13 inch trout you fish for...bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid for one drink at the airport.

9. The Hawkeyes and the Cyclones are as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks...and a dang sight more fun to watch.

10. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

11. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

12. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car that you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

13. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

14. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

15. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and turtle too. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

16. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it?
Interstate 80 goes two ways - 35 goes the other two. Pick one.

17. The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season. It's a
religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. You can get breakfast at the church.

18. So every person in every pick-up waves. It's called being friendly.
Understand the concept?

19. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.

20. No, we can't shoot the doves. They're song birds. Okay, even we feel a little stupid about that one.

Now, enjoy your visit.  Just don't overdue your stay - we have corn to plant.

ESPN's Dick Vitale was in Indiana to announce a basketball game when he noticed a red phone near the Hoosier's bench. He asked Coach Mike Davis what it was for.
"It's a hotline to God," said Davis. Vitale asked if he could use it. Davis said, "Sure, but it'll cost you $100."
Vitale thought he needed a break picking the games, so he pulled out his wallet and paid the $100. Dick Vitale had a perfect week.

The next week, he was in Arkansas when he noticed
the same kind of phone on the Razerback's bench.
He asked the Razerback coach about the phone.
The coach said, "It's the hotline to God, and it'll cost you $100 if you want to use it". Vitale paid the money. Again, he had a perfect week.

The next week, Vitale was in Iowa when he noticed the same kind of phone by the Hawkeyes' bench.
He asked Steve Alford,
"Is that the hotline to God?".
Alford said, "Yes and if you want to use it, it'll cost 35 cents".
Vitale said, "Wait a second,I just paid $100 in Indiana and Arkansas to use the hotline to God. Why does Iowa only charge 35 cents?"
Alford smiled at Vitale and replied, "In Iowa, it's a local call."
A kindergarten teacher explains to her class that she is an Iowa State Cyclone. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Cyclones too.
No one really knows what a Cyclone is, but wanting to be like their teacher their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a Cyclone."

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"Why, I'm a proud Iowa Hawkeye," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Hawkeye.

"Well, my mom and dad are Hawkeyes, so I'm a Hawkeye too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

"Then," says Kristen, "I'd be a Cyclone."


A TRUE IOWAN

An Iowan was doing some shopping in downtown Des Moines. He looked up at the top of a tall building and discovered a man ready to jump...

"Stop," he yelled, "remember you're someone who has value!"

The man yelled back, "I just lost everything in the stock market!"

"But remember you're important to your wife," yelled the Iowan.

"She divorced me and took everything I had that was not in the stock market."

"Your children, remember your children," yelled the Iowan.

"They never call," said the man.

"Then your parents, remember your parents," yelled the Iowan.

"Dead as doornails," said the man.

"Then think of all the Hawkeye football games you will miss," yelled the Iowan.

The man shouted, "But, I'm a Cyclone Fan!"

The Iowan replied, "Jump, you dumb ass, JUMP!"