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(Turns
out this is fake. There was a site where you could write whatever you
wanted on the sign - but it's still funny - and TRUE as we all
know! HA!)
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Dan
McCarney, after
living a full life, died. When he got to heaven,
God was showing him
around. They came to a modest little house with a
faded Cyclones flag in
the window.
"This
house is yours for
eternity, Dan," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a
house up here."
Dan
felt special,
indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed
another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a
Black and Gold sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous
Hawkeye flag, and in every window, a Hawkeye symbol.
Dan
looked at God and
said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but
I have a question. I was a good coach, I went to three consecutive
bowl games, and I turned around Iowa State's entire program."
God
said "So what do you
want to know, Dan?"
"Well,
why does Kirk
Ferentz get a better house than me?"
God
chuckled, and said
"Dan, that's not Kirk's house, it's mine."
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Jeff
Foxworthy on Iowa
If you consider
it a sport to gather your
food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day
hoping that the food will swim
by, you might live in Iowa.
If you're proud that your region makes the national
news 96
nights
each year because it's the coldest or hottest spot in the nation, you
might live in Iowa.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through
March, you
might live in Iowa.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out
of the
year, you might live in Iowa.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, & they
don't work there,
you might live in Iowa.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the
middle of his forehead, you might live in Iowa.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live
in Iowa.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live
in Iowa.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with
someone who
dialed
a wrong number, you might live in Iowa.
YOU
KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Iowan WHEN:
1. "Vacation"
means going east
or west on I-80 for the weekend... or going
to
Adventureland.
2. You
measure distance in
hours.
3. You know several people who
have hit a deer
- more than once.
4. You often switch
from "heat" to
"A/C" in the same day... and back again.
5. You can drive 65 mph through
2 feet of snow
during a raging blizzard without flinching.
6. You see people wearing
camouflage at social
events (including weddings).
7. You
see people wear bib overalls to funerals.
8. You
carry jumper cables in
your car... and your girlfriend knows
how to use them.
9. You design your kid's
Halloween costume to
fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the
potholes
are filled with snow.
11. You know all 5 seasons: almost winter, winter,
still
winter,
road construction & DAMN HOT!
12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue
of a deer
next to your blue spruce.
13. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking
age.
14. Down South to you means Missouri.
15.
East to
you means Illinois.
16.
A brat is something you
eat.
17.
Your neighbor throws
a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
18.
You go out to a tail
gate party every Saturday.
19.
Your 4th of July
picnic was moved indoors because your fire
works melted.
20.
You have more miles
on your snow blower than your car.
21. You
find -20 degrees F "a little chilly."
22.
You've never met any
celebrities.
23. Your
idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the
highway.
24.
You've
seen all the biggest bands... ten years
after they were popular.
25.
Your school
classes were canceled because of cold.
26. Your school classes were canceled because of
heat.
27. You've ridden the school bus for an hour each
way.
28.
You think ethanol
makes your truck "run a lot better."
29. You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
30. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
31.
You install
security lights on your house and garage - and leave
both unlocked.
32.
You see a car running in
the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of
the year.
33. You end your sentences with an unnecessary
preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"
34. All festivals across the state are named after
a fruit,
vegetable, grain, or animal.
35.
You think of the
major four food groups as beef, pork, Mt. Dew, and Jell-O with
marshmallows.
36.
You know what
"cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" is.
37. You own only three spices: salt,
pepper, and
ketchup.
38.
You
think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
39.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks
and a flannel nightie.
40. The local paper covers national and
international
headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
41. You think deer season is a national holiday.
42.
You actually understand these
jokes, and you forward them to
all your Iowa friends. |
You
Might Be From A Small Town If...
You
can name everyone you graduated
with.
You know what 4-H is.
You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a
dirt road.
Your idea of a FUN weekend was riding around parking lots because that
was where EVERYBODY went.
Your idea of an EXCITING weekend was watching a fight in the parking
lot.
You swore at someone and your parents knew within the hour.
You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.
School gets canceled for city, county, or state events.
You were ever in the Homecoming parade.
You have ever gone home for Homecoming.
Everyone thought it was really cool to date someone from the
neighboring town.
You had senior skip day.
The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
You don't give directions by street names, but something more like,
"Turn right by Nelson's house, go two blocks east past Anderson's, and
it's four houses left of the track field."
The country club golf course had only 9 holes. (Or there wasn't even
one.)
You can't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich
people".
The people in the city dress funny, then your town picks up on the
trend a few years later.
You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for
your birthday.
Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the Feed
Store.
You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.
The football coach suggested that you haul hay for the summer to get
stronger.
Directions are given using "the" stoplight as a reference.
The city council meets at the coffee shop.
Your "letter jacket" was worn after your 19th birthday.
You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and
ask if you need a ride.
Your teachers call you by your older siblings' names.
Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
The closest Taco Bell or Burger King is at least 30 miles away.
So is the closest shopping mall.
It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn
mower.
You laugh your butt off reading this because you know they're all
true.
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To
be issued by the Iowa Tourism Bureau to
ALL visitors:
1) Don't order
filet mignon or pasta primavera at
Jonesy's. It's a
diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook
something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll
kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Greeley, Strawberry
Point, Cresco, etc.) or we will have to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Here it's called
"pop". Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass-kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are
also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a
bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living
here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from
time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our
state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we
would kick her ass.
6) Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass strawberries and our Five
Seasons trees made out of metal. Anything that inspires tourists to buy
50,000 postcards can't be bad. And in Cedar Rapids don't point at the
genitalia on Frank and laugh or we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter,
so
shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or
we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone
will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well-done
like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake!
Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't try to fake an Iowa accent. We don't have an accent.
Do
NOT mention the movie "Field of Dreams" because that will incite a riot
and you will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Detroit,
Chicago, and Minneapolis and we have the scars to prove it. If you
don't like it here, Interstate 80 is ready when you are. Move
your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11) Don't complain that Iowa is flat and that all you can see is corn
and hogs. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll
kick
your ass all the way back to Milwaukee.
12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We
hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because
such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around
our sweet, little grey-haired grandmothers or they will kick some
manners into your ass just like they did ours.
13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in a
corn field? That's because we have enough sense to not live in
filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun
of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.
14) Writing it "Ioway City, Home of the Hogeyes" is NOT a joke.
Your ass will be kicked.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us
how Iowa should "go back to the Indians." This will get your
ass
shot right after it gets kicked. Just mention this once and you will go
home in a pine box. Minus your ass.
Now
enjoy your visit and
then go home.
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Iowa
Tourism Council Bulletin: This list of rules will be handed to each person
as they enter the state.
1.
That slope-shouldered farm boy
did more work before breakfast than you'll do all week at the gym.
How'd you like to go home and tell your momma you got your butt kicked
by a big guy in bib overalls?
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four wheel drive because I need
it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old.
Yeah,
we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get
your butt kicked...by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little
13 inch trout you fish for...bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up
to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what
you paid in the airport.
9. The Hawkeyes and the Cyclones are as important here as the Lakers
and the Knicks...and a dang sight more fun to watch.
10. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order
it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds
of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with
two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
11. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
over ice.
12. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We
have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
13. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop
when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
14. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they want to.
So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
15. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and turtle too. You really want sushi
and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
16. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like
it?
Interstate 80 goes two ways - 35 goes the other two. Pick one.
17. The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season. It's a
religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of
November. You can get breakfast at the church.
18. So every person in every pick-up waves. It's called being friendly.
Understand the concept?
19. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It
spooks the fish.
20. No, we can't shoot the doves. They're song birds. Okay, even we
feel a little stupid about that one.
Now, enjoy your visit and then go home.
ESPN's
Dick
Vitale was in Indiana to announce a basketball game when he noticed a
red phone near the Hoosier's bench. He asked Coach Mike Davis what it
was for.
"It's a hotline to God," said Davis. Vitale asked if he could use it.
Davis said, "Sure, but it'll cost you $100."
Vitale thought he needed a break picking the games, so he pulled out
his wallet and paid the $100. Dick Vitale had a perfect week.
The next week, he was in Arkansas when he noticed
the same kind of phone on the Razerback's bench.
He asked the Razerback coach about the phone.
The coach said, "It's the hotline to God, and it'll cost you $100 if
you want to use it". Vitale paid the money.
Again, he had a perfect week.
The next week, Vitale was in Iowa when he noticed the same kind of
phone by the Hawkeyes' bench.
He asked Steve Alford,
"Is that the hotline to God?".
Alford said, "Yes and if you want to use it, it'll cost 35 cents".
Vitale said, "Wait a second,I just paid $100 in Indiana and Arkansas to
use the hotline to God. Why does Iowa only charge 35 cents?"
Alford smiled at Vitale and replied, "In Iowa, it's a local call."
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A kindergarten teacher
explains to her
class that she is an Iowa State Cyclone. She asks her students to raise
their hands if they are Cyclones too.
No one really knows what a Cyclone is, but wanting to be like their
teacher their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There
is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along
with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be
different.
"Because I'm not a Cyclone."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"Why, I'm a proud Iowa Hawkeye," boasts the little girl.
The
teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks
Kristen why she is a Hawkeye.
"Well, my mom and dad are Hawkeyes, so I'm a Hawkeye too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if
your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
"Then," says Kristen, "I'd be a Cyclone."
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A
TRUE IOWAN
An Iowan was doing some shopping in downtown Des Moines. He looked up
at
the top of a tall building and discovered a man ready to jump...
"Stop," he yelled, "remember you're someone who has value!"
The man yelled back, "I just lost everything in the stock market!"
"But remember you're important to your wife," yelled the Iowan.
"She divorced me and took everything I had that was not in the stock
market."
"Your children, remember your children," yelled the Iowan.
"They never call," said the man.
"Then your parents, remember your parents," yelled the Iowan.
"Dead as doornails," said the man.
"Then think of all the Hawkeye football games you will miss," yelled
the Iowan.
The man shouted, "But, I'm a Cyclone Fan!"
The
Iowan replied, "Jump,
you dumb ass, JUMP!" |
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