Death before dishonor. The unwritten code of the naval aviator leaves no room for perceived weakness.

Matt Brasmer spent his youth flying aircraft on hunts for Soviet submarines in classified Cold War missions. Through typhoons and hurricanes, he commanded flights to locate human traffickers, pirates, drug smugglers, and people lost at sea.

He also saw comrades crumble under secret burdens and self-doubt. The dangerous nature of a Navy pilot's job naturally bred fears, but these Top Gun tough-guys never spoke of such things. Instead, they often sought release in self-destructive outlets. Brasmer watched friends drink too much, drive too fast, and party too heavily.

"I think a lot of men deal quietly with their pain. In a quest for significance and intimacy, they can make poor choices," says Brasmer, now director of annual giving for the UI Foundation. He leans back in his office chair, a stark contrast to the seat of his P-3 plane, and thoughtfully adds, "It's an issue in our culture."

The notion that many men silently struggle with their emotions and problems interests psychologists at the University of Iowa. In fact, it is part of a growing field of study called the "new psychology of men," which suggests socially prescribed gender stereotypes shape and confine men's lives in unhealthy ways.

Sam Cochran, director of the UI Counseling Service and editor of the national journal Psychology of Men & Masculinity, points out sobering facts that he believes underscore the effect of this phenomenon on men's behavior and health: women outlive men by six years; men are far more likely to engage in risky, violent, or criminal behaviors that put themselves or others in jeopardy; men are four times more likely to commit suicide (and succeed at their attempts) than women; and men have a higher susceptibility to illnesses such as heart disease, cancer, and stroke.

"Many traditional notions of what 'makes a man' are in fact hazardous to men's health," says Cochran, who works to better assess men's psychological needs and to market therapy to men who need it. "They aren't good for men, women, children, or our society and it's important that we explore this scientifically through our research."

Jokes abound about the simplicity of the male beast. Men don't ask for directions; they don't know how to turn on a stove; and they'd rather jump off a cliff than have another conversation with their wives about "feelings." Look beyond the stereotypes, though, and other facets emerge. Men can effectively nurture children and run a household; they feel loss, disappointment, and pain; they share kindness, compassion, and emotional intimacy. If such complexities and nuances are often hidden or denied, perhaps it's because society decrees that such qualities and behaviors aren't manly.

"We've all heard the phrase 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,' which may be a nice pop culture way of understanding gender," says William Liu, an assistant professor in counseling psychology at the UI College of Education, whose wide-ranging studies of men's issues recently earned him the American Psychological Association's Division 51 Researcher of the Year Award. "However, other than a few physical and biological aspects, men and women are psychologically and emotionally very much the same."

Stoicism, aggression, invulnerability—the "new psychologists" contend that many men project these traditional male behaviors not because their biology demands it, but because they are socially and psychologically programmed to believe that "real men" possess these characteristics. Starting at an early age, Liu says, boys can receive any number of cultural messages that reinforce the stereotypes. From the moment parents dismiss their sons' tears or push them toward competitive, risk-taking activities, the journey toward an impossible ideal of manhood begins.

"The phrase 'boys will be boys' is possibly the most unhealthy thing we can say to our sons—and daughters—as they grow up," Liu says. "That lets boys off the hook and leaves no room for their individuality."

The psychological strain caused by these socialization processes can follow boys into adulthood, where it can trigger internal conflict that inhibits men's development and ability to form meaningful relationships. Men's distress can take many shapes, Liu says—anxiety, alcoholism, domestic violence, work obsession, homophobia, health neglect, rigidity, and depression.

For men who feel torn between their true selves and what society expects of them, the result is a feeling of isolation and loneliness. As a member of Division 51, also called the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity, Liu endeavors to deconstruct stereotypes that limit a man's ability to reach his full human potential. "We're about making healthy men," he says. "We want them to better understand themselves and their emotions and develop intimate, positive relationships with the women—and men—in their lives."

The new psychology of men traces its roots back to the feminist movement. Just as feminism liberated women from traditional and restrictive roles, the new psychology strives to do the same for men. Although Division 51 officially organized in 1995, the men's movement first developed in the 1970s along with many other social causes. It gained steam in the 1980s and 1990s, partly due to the efforts of celebrated American poet and Iowa alumnus Robert Bly, 56MA. Through workshops that stressed men's need to learn from and heal with each other, Bly quickly became a key figure in the men's movement. In 1990, Bly's groundbreaking book Iron John—which challenges men to reinvent positive images of themselves—was published and became a national best-seller.

Since then, evidence has continued to mount for a revolutionary new perspective on the sexes. At the University of Wisconsin-Madison, psychologist Janet Hyde recently analyzed the findings of several studies that examined various traits among men and women, including cognitive abilities, verbal and nonverbal communication, and self-esteem. She found little or no differences between the groups in the majority of cases. Hyde told On Wisconsin magazine that the studies discredit limiting social stereotypes that lead people to believe that "men make better leaders" or that "adolescent girls have lower self-esteem than boys."

"If we keep thinking that girls are the ones with all the self-esteem issues," she said, "then we miss all the boys with low self-esteem."

Also potentially overlooked are the men with depression, or eating disorders, or other problems generally considered women's domain. Of the eight million people with an eating disorder in the U.S., ten percent are men. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, more than six million American men suffer from depression, but only a fraction seeks treatment. Statistics show that twice as many women experience depression; however, they are more likely to report their problems. Many men would rather quietly destroy themselves than admit to a "feminine" illness.

Raised in a competitive household with two brothers, Brasmer received parental affirmation as a result of what he accomplished—or failed to accomplish—rather than simply who he was. As he entered adulthood, Brasmer wanted to prove himself, so he set the bar high and joined the Navy. Like so many men who draw their lifeblood from professional achievement, Brasmer admits he placed his identity so heavily on work that he experienced a profound sense of loss—almost like a death—when he retired at age 42. Feeling he'd lost his true self, Brasmer embarked on a soul search that allowed him to transcend the need for approval from external sources.

"I never ask a boy—or any child for that matter—what he wants to be when he grows up," says Brasmer. "Our careers represent a part of life, but not the only part. It's a false promise. [People's] regrets reflect the time they didn't spend with their families and children."

Indeed, many men have progressed considerably from the distant father figure of the 1950s and prior-the phantom dad who disappeared in the morning and came home at night and never really talked about his day. Today, more men are sensitive, patient, and involved family participants-perhaps to compensate for the meaningful relationships they lacked with their own fathers. Some opt to work from home and take care of the kids and let their partners deal with office politics. They represent a new generation of men willing to reach beyond gender stereotypes to express their softer sides.

In a culture that prefers to stress gender contrasts rather than common denominators, the male desire for emotional freedom and intimacy may come as a surprise. Unable to pinpoint any problems with their own self-concept, some guys probably scratch their heads at these theories. They don't sit around in agony. They go to work and do their best. They coach T-ball, take the dog to the vet, and attend their children's school plays. It's a satisfying life. "I don't feel conflicted; I never really thought about anything like this," says Kevin Swartzendruber, a 46-year-old father-of-two who works in the warehouse at City Electric in Iowa City. "I can see it, though. Some guys try to hold up such an image."

Liu says image preservation proves less of an issue for younger men who have been raised in liberal households that nurture self-expression. Members of the Generation Y group (roughly born between 1977 and 1995) tend to embrace the diverse facets of their personalities and reject social stereotypes. As the new psychology message spreads and more parents become aware of how to raise emotionally healthy boys, Cochran predicts continued improvement in how men relate to themselves and their loved ones in the coming years.

In the meantime, it can be hard to know when a man despairs because he's very good at hiding it.

"The way men handle pain is to conceal pain," says Cochran, who counsels men and oversees a UI practicum program—one of only a few in the country—that teaches psychology students how to effectively work with men in therapy. As part of their training, students learn to tap the male desire to "fix" a problem in order to reach reluctant clients. "When men seek help, it usually centers on how they're functioning or performing," explains Cochran. "A man might say, 'I'm not getting enough done' or 'I can't seem to finish this project.' It's an action-oriented frustration as opposed to 'I'm just feeling down.' If we can appeal to this need, that's our ticket in the door."

With this in mind, therapists can target men through marketing strategies that speak their language. The National Institute of Mental Health recently launched a public awareness campaign to encourage more men to seek treatment for depression. Its brochures read: "Real Men, Real Depression. It takes courage to ask for help."

Brasmer, the former Top Gun, knows something of courage. He's learned that courage—like men—comes in all shapes and sizes.

"We all want the freedom to choose our own destinies," he says. "No one wants to live under the burden of stereotypes."