Iowa Alumni Magazine | February 2008 | Features

UIAA Marital Advice

By IAM Staff

"Both partners need to work at it every day. It takes patience, but the rewards are great."

Candy, 62RadT, and Richard, 65BA, 69MD, Adams of Superior, Wisconsin, married for 47 years


"Pick the right person first."

"After so many years, you just keep doing what you're doing as long as it works. You have to learn patience, respect, and how to control yourself so that your anger doesn't last long. You don't think about learning those things; you just do it as you go along."

"Be respectful."

"Be good to each other."

Miriam and Art, 46BA, 48MA, 50PhD, Canter of Iowa City, married for 62 years


"[I've learned the] value of a sense of humor and the perspective that you get with time. Each experience reaffirms the fact that time is a wonderful healer. Life always changes after a crisis. Even though you might grieve, with time, your perspective changes. You might even see humor in times of crisis."

"You're never going to change your spouse. Grow to love your spouse for their weaknesses, as well as their strengths. Accept them for who they are."

"Lighten up and love your spouse for their strengths and weaknesses."

"People's emphasis is on their own welfare, but if you put your interest in your spouse's welfare, it will be reciprocated to you. If your spouse is giving, your response will be to give in return. Be centered on the other person, instead of on yourself."

Melanie, 63BA, and Bruce, 62BSIE, 68JD, Haupert of Iowa City, married for 45 years


Tom: "Learn to share, trust, and respect one another."

Sue: "Become very good friends, as well as partners. That's crucial. Also, have a sense of humor."

Sue: "Find some common ground. You need your individuality, but it's important to have things you share. Also, keep a sense of humor, and you'll find a way to get through the hard times."

Tom: "There's going to be good times and bad times. The good times are fun, but it's in the difficult times that you need to pull together and work together to discuss your issues. Never go to bed at night being mad at each other."

Tom, 62BSCE, 63MS, and Sue, 63BA, Lowenberg of Scottsdale, Arizona, married for 44 years


"Family is very important. Within a family, each person is an individual, and an individual needs their time as well as family time."

Advice to newlyweds: "Pursue their dreams. There's no right way to do it, but do it while they're young."

Dee, 61BSN, and Pete, 62BA, Vanderhoef of Iowa City, married for 45 years


"We have learned to be good listeners. You can benefit from calmly listening to your spouse's thoughts and opinions before reacting to a situation or making a decision."

"Don't take your spouse's love for granted; it must be tended, so that it can grow to be even more meaningful and special."

Ginny, 63BA, and Bryan, 62BA, 66DDS, Clemons of Iowa City, married for 45 years


"Sharing and trust are important."

"Listen and be more patient."

"'Start out like you intend to keep up.' That was advice that we got from my grandfather, and it was very good advice indeed. Also, never argue about money."

Jo Lavera, 81MBA, and Phil Jones, 67MA, 75PhD, of Iowa City, married for 44 years